Ugly Knitting Patterns

Knitting Pattern Staple No. 2

2009-07-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

Inexplicable Props.

You've got to hand it to them, whoever "they" are. They've put a lot of effort into the composition of this. The way the yellow woolly ridges echo the crimped blonde frizz and the glittering goldy warming pans and scales. I suppose it did its job, I was so dazzled and confused that it took me about five seconds longer than usual notice how disgusting the jumper is.

Oh so THAT'S

2009-07-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

what low-cost prostitutes' nans give them for Christmas

Guess what?!?!

2009-07-19T07:13:00.001-07:00

I LOVE CARROTZ

BFF

2009-07-11T15:54:00.001-07:00

This pretty much speaks for itself, right?

COLOURS! SUPER ON RED

2009-07-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

JUMPER! SUPER IN BIN

Uhmmmm...

2009-07-01T02:58:00.000-07:00

skybirdscastleflagchristmastreeshillwalkingstick. WHAT?

Knitting Pattern Staple No. 1

2009-06-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

The Mohair Glow

For that celestial air that just screams: wholesome sophistication.

Inside the head of a knitwear designer

2009-06-28T03:20:00.001-07:00

I need to come up with something young, something funky... but how?

BRAINWAVE! Diamonds! Yes, a lovely big diamondy jumper. Everyone loves diamonds... diamonds are a girl's best friend! Let's see how that looks. Hmmm... it's definitely got a certain sense of je ne sais quoi but... something's missing. What is it? WAIT... BOBBLES! Of course! How silly of me, everyone needs bobbles. There we go! Well, it's pretty neat but, heck, it's *still* missing something. Some kind of matching accessory, it is such a super pattern after all. A lovely alliterative Diamond Duo.... something young, something funky. HOT DIGGITY, I've got it! Leg warmers. And we can put bobbles on the leg warmers too!!! Actually, second thoughts... that might be a bit much. Don't want to overdo it.

It's my party... part 2

2009-06-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

"Hey, check out that guy"
"Yeah, I know. Cop a load of that lousy knitwear."
"No pompoms, no windows, no strawberries, no woolly dogs... not even a clock!"
"It isn't even OVERSIZED. What a loser."

"Bite me."

It's my party

2009-06-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

...and I'll wear what I can only presume are jam tarts and presents on my jumper if I want to.

I can't guarantee that anyone will show up though.

Optical Illusions

2009-06-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

The best thing about this photo, aside from the moustache and wondering who thought putting the jumper alongside another eye bleeding pattern would show it off to its best advantage is that if you squint you can pretend that the throw is part of the jumper and the jumper is even more gigantic and capable of world domination. Heck, it is called Magic Carpet. IMAGINE IF IT COULD FLY!

The One That Got Away

2009-06-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

I find myself feeling quite sorry for this woolly boa constrictor:

Surely no one is EVER going to wear that. They didn't even bother getting some backcombed model to look just plain cross in it like they do in most other inexplicable 1980s knitting patterns. Its one chance of ever fulfilling its jumper-y destiny has been denied to it.

Having said that: who knows?! Maybe there are people out there who want to look like they're being throttled by a snake whilst wearing, of all colours, lilac.

Blog one (purl two)

2009-06-26T01:09:00.000-07:00

After yet another afternoon spent sifting through the shelves of Scarthin Bookshop I discovered the book that started it all. I knocked it off a shelf and it fell open and I fell deeply in love

Now, you may be wondering a number of things: who is that headless man? Why is he covering her eyes? Is it to protect her identity? How can one photo cope with so much ill-fitting pinstripe trouser? Are those giant Jelly Beans randomly stuck hither and thither? But by far the most important question, the one that has induced my knitwear-based nightmares is... well it requires closer inspection and is best said in picture form.

Is that a... balding snowman? What is that he's holding? Surely it's not a tuba?! IS HE PLAYING A TUBA?

Knitting pattern says: yes. Yes he is.